I feel like, I'm always doing this reintroduction - because, the times in between my writing have been so sporadic. Nonetheless, I'm back. I've stepped away from writing for a while, because well - new mom life and then, mostly because I'm honestly tired of my words, my art being weaponized against me. I can't tell you how many times, someone has used my own words to try and harm me. It's disgusting and I'm over it.
Being vulnerable has N E V E R come easy to me and I mean N E V E R. Almost every time, I've chosen to open up and be vulnerable with someone - the wrong someone. They've used it against me, if it's former friends gaslighting me, my ex husband making jokes about mental health - acting as if I'm crazy. Fake friends twisting things I've said and lying for the approval of others and so on and so on.
As far back as I can remember at least. To be fair, we'll say January 2001. I think that was a pretty big focal point for when things started to change for me. My foundation was shaken, when I lost my grandfather and to be completely honest, I don't think I ever bounced back. (I know, I know 19 years - let's not put a time limit on grieving).
For most of my life, well most of my dating life and especially after being divorced at such a young age. I vowed to never march to the beat of a man’s drum again, anyone's drum but my own. I vowed to not get caught up in a man’s world, anyone's world - so much that I forgot about my own. I stayed up late nights, making these promises with my best friend. And yet, the enabling part of me resurfaced and I found myself right back to my usual pattern of being “Jessica, the enabler, the fixer." Many of you know (and probably more of you don't if you're not following and because, it's not something I discuss often) my husband has a child, from a previous marriage. - See, Married With Children That Aren't Yours As, I watched my husband pleading for a relationship with his son. I would watch him go from this happy go-lucky guy, to furious, to broken to defeated in a matter of minutes during a conversation with his son's mother. It would break my heart. I wanted to help. I wanted to fix this for not only him, but for his son - who deserved to have two parent's who could effectively communicate. So, after being harassed on Instagram/Facebook - the Empath in me, the enabler, the fixer against the advice of those who were more aware of the person they were dealing with - I decided hey, let me be the bigger person and extend an olive branch. Boy, was I wrong. I should've NEVER opened that door, it is one of my biggest regrets in life (and I was married at 19 and joined the Navy). You ever wish you never met someone or that you had a time machine, to go back and continue to act as if someone didn't exist? Because, I have mastered the art of ignoring. Some people, just aren't worth your energy. They don't have peace and so, they don't want anyone else to either.
It wasn’t until after much self reflection and a multitude of pro/con lists, I realized I was enabling the broken child in myself through all these other people, I wanted to fix. I was subconsciously trying to fix them in hopes of fixing myself. All the times, I'd wished someone were there to help me out, to be a shoulder for me to cry on, to be the voice to speak up for me. - It was me, it was always me. Granted, I do want to help others, sometime's to a fault but, I felt so strongly about it because, it was about me.
How many of you have realized you are subconsciously trying to heal yourself in helping others?
It was the betrayal that blessed me, she said. Have you ever been betrayed by someone? I have. I've been betrayed by so many people, I started thinking it may have been me with the issue. I started thinking have I possibly done things to deserve the deceit I was receiving. Did I put myself in situations for this to happen, or could it just possibly be karma? Am I finally reaping something I had sewn and had long forgotten about?
I can count how many times, I've been betrayed by people I trusted. I'll give you a few different scenarios - because, I think this is just crazy. 1) I thought I had a friend, we were "friends" for many years. One year around holiday season, I was rushing around visiting so many people that I did not link up with them. When, I didn't link up with them, this put ultimate betrayal in play. - This person, lied on me, befriended someone who was trying to harm me, slept with my ex, threatened me, lied on me again & ultimately tried to assassinate my character. Crazy right? When I asked them, what I had done to deserve such a betrayal, they simply said - "nothing, I was upset that you didn't come to see me like you'd said."2) I'd befriended someone who wanted to be me. It was evident in so many ways, yet I completely ignored it. She made up a story about me trying to get with the guy she was dating at the time. It wasn't until later that, I realized I had been lied on; because, I never even met the guy or knew his real name. We laughed about it, once we put two & two together. 3) I was married to a completely different person than I thought I'd married, we'll just leave that one there. Talk about a betrayal; ha. 4) The last and most recent betrayal, I opened my heart, my family, my home to someone. I gave them shelter, refuge, clothes, food, a safety net; I would've given them the shirt off my damn back. In fact, I think I had before. And man, let me tell you, if you don't pick up the phone for some people it is obviously a trigger and a reason to usher in, you guessed it - BETRAYAL.
Am I to blame for their betrayal? No. Am I to blame for being too trusting? Eh, that's a tough one. I could've been more diligent in choosing people to befriend. However, they also could have been better people. It's hard to make an assumption on who is right or wrong in these type of situations. People will only use you as much as you allow them to, so self-awareness plays a big part in that. I can't say whether or not they were wrong or I was wrong in allowing them in my life. What I can say is, I've been learning discernment with each of these situations. I've taken lessons from each of them & I am learning to use better judgment. Honestly, some of these people probably didn't even look at their actions as betrayal & that's important too. You have to befriend people who have the same levels of loyalty and respect as you do.
As much as each one of these betrayals through me for a loop, in the end it was the betrayal is what blessed me, sis. Although, these people preyed on me while I was praying for them, I am still going to come out the victor because I allowed myself to do what was right in my heart. My blessings will still be large and bountiful. Don't allow anyone who has betrayed you or been disloyal to you STOP you from being you. Be mindful, have discernment but don't close off your heart. What are something's that people have done to betray you? How have you dealt with the betrayal you've faced in your life?