I'm married to a man with a child.
People I meet are always shocked when they hear that from me. I always get stares and then, "Oh girl, how is that?" "Whaaaaat? You? Girl, I know that's the last thing you wanted." And my favorite one - "Do you have baby mama drama?" So, then I get all Kandi Buruss irritated face like sis.
Don't get me wrong my husband is amazing & we have the most solid, healthy, beautiful, loving, honest relationship I have ever had in my life. I would marry him 10x over, but this stepmom thing is for the birds; So, I'll break this down for you really quick.
- His ex and I used to be able to be cordial. We didn't start off that way though; she found out he was dating someone and immediately starting bashing me. She and her friends scurried to my instagram page & commenced Operation Name Calling - I'll list a few of my favorites: (So, you just gonna let the world know you're a home wrecker? His mistress, someone who's mom didn't raise them right) you know the typical things exes & their friends say. I tell you, a lie doesn't care who tells it. Mind you, their divorced had been finalized. I'm a divorcee, so I get it. I figured, you know what ... that's probably my karma from when I was nasty to my ex's new girlfriend. Nonetheless, I was a bit irritated. I was watching it all go down at work like ... I let it slide & continued basking in my relationship. A few months had passed, his child fell in love with me. I thought to myself, if I were a mother, I would really want to know who was around my child so, I reached out. (You can read about that here: StepMom Feels Despite the bad blood, I'm all let's bury the hatchet. I wanted to make sure she was comfortable with her child being with his father & understanding that I would be around. I wanted an open line of communication to make sure everyone was on the same page. Things were going well for let's say, 3 months. 90 days. A whole probationary period. A trial period. Like, you're not even eligible to take PTO or get insurance yet period. 90 days and then all hell broke loose.
When I tell you, I've heard stories from my guy friends about their exes and the "baby mama drama" they were dealing with, but I never fathomed anything quite like what I was about to experience. We went from adults trying to maneuver co-parenting a toddler; communicating through bruised egos and harbored emotions to strangers battling one another in court. I watched my husband break into pieces as his son was ripped away from him again and again and again. I watched my stepson break as his father disappeared from his life. I watched my mother, father and brother in laws break as they watched their son & their brother hurt. I watched my parents become increasingly anxious as they watched me juggle everything that transpired. I began to ask myself, why the hell am I here? Why the hell would I purposely put myself in this situation? Why am I with someone who purposely put themselves in a situation, with someone who was so intentionally evil. Am I crazy? Is he crazy? I battled myself. Then, I realized her actions did not have anything to do with him nor myself. Did I say, this stepmom shit is not for the weak at heart.
I found myself caught in a battle that had nothing to do with me. Granted, I added some gas to the flames. I just didn't expect for the flames to set the entire city on fire. I was collateral damage. I was being blown away by the crash because I was too close. I had become accused of kidnapping, holding a child hostage, barricading myself in my home with a child. I had, had my home rushed like an episode of Chicago P.D. I mean, I love Voight, but I wasn't trying to live that shit. This happened when no one was even home. I had been in a high speed chase almost run off the road. I'd been in the middle of an altercation in an airport atrium. I'd been on high alert at every interaction as if I were still active military - in a war zone. Like, did I get married to a man with a child or did I join the Army & go to Afghanistan? Can you imagine my psyche? Sis, these kind of things are not normal. These kind of interactions on a daily are not healthy. These types of reactions are common in violent and abusive environments. This is how people who don't know how to communicate effectively react to situations. By lashing out and using violence as a speaking tool. This is not acceptable.
If you are thinking about being in a relationship with someone who has a child, please evaluate the situation. Evaluate the entire situation. That goes for if you're looking at being in a relationship with anyone. Evaluate their family, their upbringing, how they react to situations, if they overreact, if they don't react at all. If you find yourself relating to the person, do some self-reflection. These types of behaviors have become common and acceptable in "baby daddy-baby mama" dynamics. Why is that? If the roles were switched, the man would be looked at as a violent monster, who was abusive, aggressive, a danger. He would be intertwined in the same shackles and chains that intertwine the minds of the people who make the final decisions in this being acceptable behavior.
I'm married to a man with a child. An amazing, humble, hardworking, delicate, diligent man. A man who loves with every fiber of his being. I would marry him 10x over. But, when I tell you sis - think again, if you're thinking this task is easy - because, this stepmom shit, is not for the weak at heart.