- I've written and deleted this so many times before making a conscious decision to actually, just introduce this to the world. I wrote this poem my senior year of high school for a multi-genre project based on a part of history that happened before I was born. Considering the recent issues that are happening in our society today, I felt this poem is still relevant; I no longer want to be spoon-fed teachings that assault my being, things that force us to assimilate to what is "normal". I'm tired of keeping the status quo, these are the times to shake things up, these are the times to take a stand and have a voice. These are the times to ask yourself even if you felt like the minority rule didn't affect you; are you safe? Are those you consider friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, the people you pass at the grocery store. Are they safe?
I have a dream, no not Martin’s dream. See, although his dream was nice and dandy, his dream a’int my dream See, I got my own dream My dream is to be treated with respect. My dream is that one day my fellow brothers and sisters won’t have to live their lives in an undeclared war with themselves, with society and with the color of their skin. See, my dream contains a question and an answer How can WE speak LOVE for YOU, when YOU’VE injected us with NOTHING but HATE for OURSELVES. See, Governor Reagan can come to the hood to stop free breakfast plans, but cops don’t come to the hood, to stop one of their own from killing a man. See, I dream that we won’t have to carry guns in our neighborhoods to protect ourselves from the pigs And that the kids in my community can get a stop light, so they won’t get hit. I dream my intelligence will override my distinctive features of African descent. And that we can stop sangin’ and won’t have to start swangin’ cause the man ain’t tryna take us out. That I won’t get ridiculed, if power to the people happens to come out of my mouth. I dream that J. Edgar would get off his fat ass and Martin can stop waiting for free at last. With these political prisoners, with gun in hand, as we storm down the street screaming “down with the man”; see, I wanna devise a plan, that won’t have me writing letters from jail. Cause’ I used self-defense, against a police-man! I wanna illuminate your soul with the rights of my people. The Letters Huey sent Bobby and from Bobby to he and the “Free Huey” rallies that lasted for weeks. The calendars we made to count out our days, filled with free groceries, meals and breakfasts unpaid. See, we saved for our people, we were meant to help them out. We gave power to the people our liberation shouts. But, all they see are some crazy militant niggas, riding down the streets with their fingers on the trigga’. It’s like cause and effect, ‘cause when we try to fight back, they wanna up and arrest change the laws so we can be unarmed; committing genocide, in a now mental form. BUT, I refuse! I refuse to be a victim; I refuse to be a slave, so I'm hoping you'll stand with me to bring about a change.
So, again ask yourself, are you really as safe as you think you are. Are you uncomfortable yet? Does the devastation that others are facing not make you, even a little upset? Is it okay for this to happen, is it acceptable in fact? Are you satisfying your lack of concern because your life is still in tact? Are the families you've known for years, fearing their lifestyles right now? Are you as safe as you thought you were and you say you are no doubt, are you seriously okay with this and if so tell me how?
Friendship is a funny thing, it's something we're taught all our lives subconsciously. Learn to share, learn to love, learn to make friends. We're taught to build relationships with others, this is supposed to make us more empathetic, more successful, more loving, more sociable. The more friends you have, the happier you are. I've learned otherwise. The less you have, the happier you are or should I say, the less negative people you surround yourself with the happier you are .
I wrote this poem a few years ago, after realizing friendships do not always mean the same to everyone.
Lately, I’ve not had much to say;
My words have been few and far between
And everyone is looking for inspiration from me, like a beak of sunlight on a rainy day.
Only to be disappointed with a lack of what I have to say.
I’ve said everything my loves,
My pencil led is running out.
And all of the people I used to run to are now just running mouths
Spreading lies, sprinkled with truths, showing the world every inch of their youth
attempting to smear character.
Allowing whatever four letter verb they felt for me, to be dictated by the fact that I’m not there enough.
And I make no apologies for the distance I’ve placed between myself and you…
Because, whether you’d like to admit it or not, you’ve placed a distance there too
I guess, as of lately my words haven’t been meaning that much.
I’ve been putting so much action behind them
I’m feeling out of touch
I write sentence on sentence, of things I’ve already accomplished
Sharing less and less information with my “so-called” accomplice
See, I’ve worked it out in my head that, I don’t really need that many people
And I find myself going back and reminiscing on when I was little
Like, I didn’t have much of anybody
but my pencil and paper
So, why am I so intent on adding to my foundation when all along I’ve had the staple?I've always wanted to be some type of inspiration for others; an inspiration I was searching for on days when it was hard to get out of bed. I've lost so many people to losing themselves, or better yet maybe finding who they truly were. I wouldn't change a thing. I've been spending more time doing the things that make me happy and less of what doesn't involve my happiness. I've been searching for an answer or some type of support from my peers and realized that is not where I will find it. Sometimes, the most support you are going to get will come from people you have never met and that is okay. So, what does a friendship consist of? Supporting those who support you or just finding friends to share a good story over a bottle of wine with? There has to be more than that to a friendship, I'm sure of it. Are your friend's the people who encourage you to get out of bed when you want to stay there or are your friend's the people who come over and make sure you get out of it? I like to consider myself an amazing friend. I'm sure some people may disagree, but we're all adults. So, what is the making of a good friend? I may not know surely how to spot it in others, but I know how to spot it in myself and how to remain true to that. What do you consider a true friend?
- Stepmom. That was a movie I used to watch as a child and when I say watch, I mean religiously. I loved Susan Sarandon & Julia Roberts; even as a child I empathized with Julia being the new woman & taking on the responsibility of getting someone else's child to even like you. Even more awesome, was that she was this cool, young woman, that was a photographer in New York City, I rooted for Isabel. I never thought I would even have this title; to be honest, I didn't even realize I would be a step-mother until a few days ago. I mean, I knew I was marrying a man who had a child but I didn't acknowledge being a stepmom. Our situation has been dicey to say the least. I like to say, we have a complicated order but I have faith that things will work out for the better. His son is only two years old & we barely get to see him. My fiancé is military and we are stationed somewhere other than where his child's mother lives. Which is a blessing and a curse, I suppose. We are about 7 hours away from his little guy, but even if we were closer I don't think the situation would be much different. Remember when I said, we had a complicated order? It is definitely that. His child's mother has been a tall order of "I'm not here for any new woman you are trying to bring into MY son's life", Which has been, a little frustrating, not so much for me but for me to watch my fiancé lose out on being involved with his son. It has also been a tad difficult because, as you all know by now I don't normally date men with kids and here I am marrying one. We saw his son a few months ago (right after we got Aspen, our lab & he was immediately in love with him) and I realized he liked animals and he was really silly. I was excited because my love of animals is insane & I was happy, I could share that with him. I also, found myself thinking back about Isabel buying a puppy to get the kids to like her in the movie. I found myself enjoying and becoming more fond of him than I expected. Granted he is only two years old but I promise you, he understood the bond between child and dog. It was at that point, I knew I wouldn't mind playing a role in his life. I recently reached out to his mom in hopes to change the negative connotation that sometimes comes with stepmom. I wanted very much for the transition of "just your dad's girlfriend" to"your dad's new wife" to be a little easier than the first initial idea of her child's father moving on with his life, with someone else. Like I said before, I had faith that things would work themselves out; she was extremely receptive of my reaching out and I'm hoping this will be a step forward in all of us working towards the best of the child. I'm a huge advocate for children rights and doing what's best for the voices that can't be heard. I never wanted to be a stepmom, nor marry a man with a child; but I can't help but think my destiny was to be where I am, being a part of this child's life (and not just for the dogs). I know this journey will not be an easy one but I am possibly naively optimistic that things will get better from here. We shall see. Signed, - The Not So Ugly Step Mother
- I had never been fired from a job before, I never thought I would be. I was always the most dependable, efficient, hard-working person in any position I had. I have work ethic and I am a team player; but in August 2016, on the 23rd to be exact, I was fired. I was fired from a job, I was a little frustrated with but enjoyed nonetheless, I mean my bills were getting paid. I was able to save a little and enjoy the pleasantries of life as well. My fiance had gotten in a motorcycle accident the previous week and I asked for some time off to help him get well; my former manager promised everything was fine and to take as much time as I needed. Boy, was I wrong? When I returned to work, I felt an extremely shady chill (you know when your spidey senses start tingling) over me and my vibes are normally dead on; I knew something was up. They told me, I could go home early to make sure my fiance was okay because they had all the help they needed that day and to just return the next day. The next day, I returned and knew something wasn't right still. When I got back to work on Tuesday, my manager informed me that it was no longer working out. I was furious. One, I lived about 20 miles from where I worked and I'd just wasted unnecessary gas. Two, someone could have told me something on Monday instead of having me come back an additional day. Three, the explanation I was given was complete and utter bullshit, but I just let it go and left the rest up to my good friend karma. I would find another job soon, I told myself. I relentlessly applied job after job, went to interview after interview and nothing; for three months,nothing. I tried everything. My fiance tried everything. He surprised me with a puppy, then another puppy (I'm being completely serious, we have two puppies, I will share the do's/dont's on this in another blog). He surprised me with a trip to see my best friend. I partied with my other best friend, spent time with my mother, traveled to one of my favorite cities; even tried to drink away my sorrows but nothing. Nothing could shake the fact, that when I woke up I still was just sitting at home training two puppies not to pee on the carpet. I was still furious, I couldn't figure out why I deserved to be fired. I started thinking of all the things I could've possibly done wrong. I stayed away from that side of town so I wouldn't run into anyone and then I realized, it is time for me to do what makes me happy in life. It just dawned on me, I needed to write that blog I'd been talking about for years. I needed to get the healthy body I wanted back. I needed to do all the things that bring happiness in my life and forget everything else. I'd been dwelling on this life changing event in my life and looking at it completely wrong; it wasn't the worst thing that could have happened to me as I thought, but the best. It was a challenge. I had gotten comfortable. I had almost forgotten that I wanted more out of life. I decided to start my blog. Bought a domain. Created a title that would standout but still represent me. I wanted to make a change I wanted to take advantage of this free time that I had before getting another job. I wanted to stop having a job and finally start on my career. I stopped looking at my situation as a negative and realized it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I was twenty-five years old, I had all the freedom in the world to do whatever I wanted. Now, here I am with a job I can transfer to our next duty station, making more money; getting closer to what I really want to do in life. Everything that looks negative isn't always. I'm currently learning to see all the good even in negative situations. There can always be something good in any situation. Stay positive.
I never thought I would get married again, not after my first marriage ended so horribly. Actually, to be completely honest, it didn't end horribly; it started, I found out who he really was and I filed for divorce, end of story. Now, the process of getting rid of him was horrible. I was twenty years young with no idea what being divorced consisted of, no wonder women twice my age don't want to go through it. Why would it be so hard to get rid of someone but nowhere near as hard to get connected to them. I just wanted to be done. I was willing to do anything for him to just sign the divorce papers and be out of my life. I did not want to go through that again, I was so open to having a live in forever boyfriend & start a family whoever that was, that was until I met my future husband.
If you've read the previous post, you know I am not one to normally date men with kids but this man is the blueprint to a real man. He is everything and his child isn't that bad either. Not that I don't like kids, I just have never wanted to involuntary take care of someone else's. I couldn't have imagined saying anything other than yes. I knew from the beginning that this man was meant for me. I had met my soul mate, my life partner, my best friend. He has an honest and forgiving heart. He protects my heart in everyway thinkable & he loves me exactly the way I need to be loved; not just the way he thinks love should be. He is attentive and I am my true authentic self with this man. How could I not have said, yes? I was tired of living my life in a what if status. What if it doesn't work out and I have to go through another divorce? What if I continue to be my tumbleweed self & just want to leave? What if I get fat and he doesn't think I'm pretty anymore? If there were any other possible outcomes, I thought, analyzed and had an answer for them all; but he deserved a chance. I deserved a chance. I deserved to be happy. I deserved to have everything I wanted. I deserved to be with someone who would not only take care of me physically, but emotionally.
Not to ignore the fact that he conspired with my best friend on what type of ring to get me and picked out the perfect one. I would have said yes, to a ring pop, cracker jack box ring. I would have said yes anytime he asked. The answer will always be yes.
- Men with children. Generally, this is something I avoid all together. I have never been a fan of dating a man who has already been so intimate with another woman as to have had a child with her. I believe in the sanctity of family, probably more so than anyone can imagine. I've avoided men with children for so long that I could almost sniff out a father among the crowd. They have a certain look about them, different values, different financial statuses, different lifestyles, etc. God himself could have told me I would've met and fell in love with a man who had a child and I would have laughed in his face. Not me, I am way too selfish to split my time between you and your child. I want my own family, not some blended family that involves you, some other woman's child and me. I didn't grow up seeing that. My grandparent's were married to each other until death, my grandfather never had any outside children, there was no step-parenting in our households and then I was awakened. This is no longer the case, this is not my life. I have joined the club of dating the men who are fathers. I can't tell you how enlightening this experience has been. My situation is a little different than every other weekend and holidays, because he is military, but it is an experience nonetheless. I have never thought I would even enjoy someone else's child (besides family, friends, etc) but I have grown to be more patient and understanding. I know this is more common for some people but I have always had a standard of never dating a man with a child and now I couldn't imagine seeing myself with a different person. Life is crazy like that, it just comes at you fast. I could not have asked for God to pair me with a more understanding, thoughtful, attentive, caring human being. I am truly grateful. If you are dating a father, please share your experiences with me.
- When I started to realize who I was in this world. At the not so tender age of twenty three, I began to find myself. Still so fresh and young to those much older than I, but not young enough to have much more room for mistakes. I knew this, I knew I was almost at the age where my mistakes were going to be looked at as stupidity and I was terrified of that. There's no way, I'm ready for this. What the hell am I going to do? Here I am, twenty three, not finished with school, constantly changing my major, living at home, divorced and basically a washed up forty year old. There has to be more to life than this. I took for granted many opportunities and things in my life. I had too much direction, if that can be a thing. Too much direction and too much freedom to sway in whichever direction I wanted to go honestly. My dad calls me his tumbleweed, I find happiness in that. I take it as, free-spirited - I pride myself in that, not being restricted and boring; but, man is it boring not being where you want to be? I wrote this two years ago & here I am two years later, living in Florida, managing my life to the best of my ability & learning to appreciate every obstacle that is thrown my way. I am just happy to be here. Growing & learning how to survive. We often think that happiness is some sort of destination that we've yet to reach, some sort of level we haven't made it to yet. I've come to learn that happiness isn't that at all. Maintaining happiness is waking up & knowing that you may not be where you want right now, but appreciating that you still have time to get there. Persevering through whatever trials may come & appreciating that you've made it through yet another lesson & have grown from that. Growing into the best you possible for your future self & the betterment of you. Becoming self-reliant, self-aware & self-efficient. Letting go of anything & anyone that doesn't make your soul happy. These are the things that will bring you happiness. These are the things that will remind you that happiness is only achieved if you stop & listen to the birds chirp in the morning. When you're not rushing through traffic & you pay attention to the person crossing the street. Making eye contact with strangers & sharing a smile. I am still grasping the balance of everything. I am still very much a tumbleweed, tumbling through life. I will always be that, I will always have the hunger to travel through life & gain more knowledge, to be that free-spirited, wanderlust person who doesn't believe in restraints. I'm just tumbling on this journey, trying to take you all with me. I am still tumbling & I am appreciative, learning & overall, I am happy.